First Trimester Thoughts

7 Weeks

12.5 Weeks

November 12, 2009: 12.5 Weeks
Today I’m praising God for lots of answered prayers!!!! Kody and I had an Ultra-Screen scheduled today where I would have an extensive sonogram and bloodwork done to determine our risk of having a child with Down Syndrome or Trisomy 18 and 13. I was a bit nervous for the ultrasound, just with wondering if the baby was still doing okay. However, I had pretty good feelings about everything since I’ve had no complications so far with the pregnancy and have felt very pregnant the last 8 weeks. We won’t have the results of the bloodwork for a week, but the baby looks like it’s progressing normally!! They said all the measurements they took from the sonogram were normal and the baby has a good heartbeat! It was just so incredible laying there watching the baby move around. Since I’ve had a cold lately I started coughing from laying down. I apologized to the technician, but she said they actually like it when you cough because it causes the baby to move. And sure enough, the baby completely flipped sides. We even saw it “waving” at us too. It was just so amazing! I’m praising God continually for this miracle inside me and for continually answering so many people’s prayers for this baby!

October 29, 2009: 10 Weeks
Tomorrow is a big hurdle for me in this pregnancy. This is as far as I got in my last pregnancy….our baby lived to about 8 weeks, but I miscarried at exactly 10 weeks. So far, things are looking good this time and I’m so thankful!! We had another doctor’s appointment last Friday, when I was supposed to be 9 weeks. During that visit we had a sonogram and the baby seems to be doing great and is right along schedule. On another good note (and I thought I’d never say this), but I’m still having morning nausea. I never had any with my first pregnancy, so that has been a little more reassuring this time.

I am scheduled to have an in-depth ultrasound and bloodwork called an Ultra-Screen in about two weeks! I’m so excited to see our little one again! And if all goes well, we plan on telling everyone then! Can’t wait!

October 9, 2009: 7 Weeks
Well, it’s been a long week for me. I went to my first doctor’s appointment last Friday, October 2. During that visit they did an ultrasound and I measured at 5 weeks. I thought I was supposed to be near 6. There was also no heartbeat yet. My doctor told me, though, that where I was in my pregnancy seemed to match my bloodwork, so she wasn’t worried. She told me to come back in a week for another ultrasound with another doctor since she was going to be on vacation. Honestly, it was hard not to worry this week. I knew that most of the time you don’t hear a heartbeat till at least 6-7 weeks and that sometimes when you go very early it’s hard to measure exactly, but given the outcome with my last pregnancy it was hard not to worry.

So, today I went back to have another ultrasound. Praise God…..we heard a heartbeat!!! She said it sounded very strong and that I measured 7 weeks. I asked the doctor how I could measure 5 weeks last week and 7 this week and she said it’s often just hard to measure when the baby is so small. I was so relieved that I was farther along, where I thought I should be and that we heard a heartbeat!!! I had more bloodwork done today and will go back for another ultrasound in 2 weeks. They seem to be monitoring me more right now since I miscarried so early last time. It is definitely more reassuring.

Being pregnant is teaching me to put my faith in God even more. It’s so hard to go day by day and not know if everything is okay and if the baby is healthy. I find myself constantly in prayer to God!! It’s a growing experience for me, that’s for sure.

On a final note, I thought I’d share one pregnancy experience I had this week. It definitely confirmed I was pregnant and hormonal……I found myself crying when the airport security had me circle the airport numerous times while waiting to pick Kody up at the airport. Even when Kody was right inside at baggage claim and on his way out they made me circle again because he wasn’t at the curb yet. I was so frustrated! Just thinking back on that though, I have to laugh that I actually cried over that! Oh well, blame it on pregnancy hormones, right?

September 27, 2009: 5 Weeks
Well, I’m a little over 5 weeks pregnant today! We found out the wonderful news that I was expecting about a week and a half ago. All I could think of at the time was….praise God! He has heard and answered the prayers of so many! I constantly think of all of you who have told us you’ve been praying for us and rejoice daily at the blessing God has given us! Thank you so much for your prayers!

Honestly, with this exciting news has come a flood of emotions though…..elation, hopeful anticipation, fear, anxiety, and worry. I’m currently not ready to share this news with many yet, until I’m further along. However, I thought I would write out my journey over the next few weeks and months and hope to eventually post this once we see how everything is going. I guess maybe writing helps me get through such an unknown time. I think one of the hardest things is not knowing what the future will hold. This is a huge time of faith for us and we daily go to God in prayer for our little one. I keep reminding myself of James 5:16b which says, “The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” Oh Lord, hear our prayers!

I can’t help but wonder if the same thing is going to happen again though. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of my little angel in Heaven, who would’ve arrived here on earth in just a few short weeks. I honestly cannot wait to meet my precious little one in Heaven one day. Kody and I long to be parents so much and have been praying for over a year now for a child. I pray that this child is healthy and that God will continue to give us the blessing of this child’s life here on earth.

So far, all my blood work has come back normal. We’ve been very thankful for that! This Friday I have my first doctor’s appointment. Not sure if an ultrasound will be done, but we’re praying for good news! I know that no matter what we hear or what happens though, I will continue to put my trust in God. I will continue to love and serve Him no matter what!

Where Joy & Sorrow Meet

Well, it's now been exactly 5 weeks since we learned of the loss of our baby. It honestly has been a roller coaster of a month. I am still feeling a deep sadness over this loss, but God has given us a strength and peace about everything that I never imagined possible. I also don't know how we would've made it through the past month without the encouragement and prayers from our friends and family. Thanks to all of you for being there for us. I cannot tell you what it has meant to us. I thank God for blessing us with such amazing friends and family. You mean the world to us!

As you may be able to tell from previous notes I've posted, I am very moved by music. During this past month I have tried to find songs that help comfort me. The song below is a song that I have come to love. It reminds me that no matter what, there is a place where hope remains and that's in Christ. I hope the words of this song will be an encouragement to you as well.


Where Joy & Sorrow Meet

There’s a place of quiet stillness ‘tween the light and shadows reach
Where the hurting and the hopeless seek everlasting peace
Words of men and songs of angels whisper comfort bittersweet
Mending grief and life eternal where joy and sorrow meet

There is a place where hope remains
In crowns of thorns and crimson stains
And tears that fall on Jesus’ feet
Where joy and sorrow meet

There’s a place the lost surrender and the weary will retreat
Full of grace and mercy tender in times of unbelief
For the wounded there is healing, strength is given to the weak
Broken hearts find love redeeming where joy and sorrow meet

There’s a place of thirst and hunger where the roots of faith grow deep
And there is rain and rolling thunder when the road is rough and steep
There is hope in desperation there is victory in defeat
At the cross of restoration where joy and sorrow meet

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9p2mB1xD9g
Link to this song on youtube. (It cuts off at the end and leads into another song. This is the only site I could find with the song though.)

Glory Baby

I just found this song on itunes and fell in love with it. It truly expresses how I am feeling right now.

Glory Baby
By: Watermark

Glory Baby, You slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened Dear,
You disappeared on us baby, baby
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you
Until we're home with you

(chorus)
We miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there's a day
When we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away
When we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day
When we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘Til mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we're stronger people
Through the growing and in knowing
All things work together for our
God works his purposes
Just like he said he would
Just like he said he would

(chorus)

I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know
All you'll ever know

(chorus)

When the Unthinkable Happens

Last October I posted a note called “Waiting”. In the post I talked about a song called “While I’m Waiting” from a movie I had recently seen called, “Fireproof”. I immediately fell in love with this song because it summed up how I was feeling at the time, as Kody and I were wanting to start a family. I used to play this song over and over in my car as I drove around San Antonio and was determined that no matter how long and difficult it was to wait for a precious child from God that I would serve Him while I was waiting.

You can only imagine how incredibly excited we were in January of this year when we found out I was pregnant after many, many months of praying for a child. I was a little more reserved at first in wanting to tell people right away, but Kody, well, he just couldn’t keep it in. He was so cute! So, we decided to make the big announcement. I can’t begin to explain how miraculous it was to see our baby inside me on an ultrasound and to hear it’s heartbeat at just 6 weeks. Everything seemed to be going so well. Of course a part of me was always a little nervous as you know anything can happen during a pregnancy and the first trimester is so crucial. I knew, as with anyone, there was always a chance we could lose the baby, but you just never think it will happen to you.

As I write this I am still in shock of how my life has dramatically changed in just a week’s time. Last Tuesday we went to the doctor for an appointment (thinking I was about 10 weeks along) only to find out our child had passed away about 2 weeks previously and there was no longer a heartbeat. We were told I was having a miscarriage. MISCARRIAGE. A word I feared so much. We sat in the doctor’s office shocked and deeply saddened over the loss of our child. We didn’t know what to do.

The past week has been terribly painful physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have no idea how to handle all this and many times just find myself asking, “Why me?". I have to continually remind myself God has a plan and is going to work through all this, because I know He will. It’s been a very hard week but He is giving us a strength I never imagined possible. Like Psalms 46:1 says, “God is our refuge and strength”. He has also been using our friends and family during one of the most painful times in our lives to encourage us and comfort us. I don’t know what we’d do without them.

I think what has also been comforting to me is knowing I will see my child again one day. I know our baby never had to face the pain and trials of this earth and is with our Heavenly Father. Even though I never got to see or hold our baby, I can’t wait for the day I can in Heaven. This past week I have found a few things online that have been comforting to me during this time. One is this poem.

I'm just a little person;

And I didn't quite make it there;

I went straight to be with Jesus

And I'm waiting for you here.

Don't you worry about me, Mommy,

I'm of all God's lambs most blest;

I'd have loved to stayed there with you,

But our shepherd knows what’s best.

Many people here in Heaven

Waited years to enter in;

Struggled through a world of sorrow

And their lives were marred with sin.

So sweet Mommy don't you sorrow,

Chase the gloom and wipe the tears

I went straight to live with Jesus

May your heartache disappear.

-Author Unknown

So, I guess this brings me back to the song I mentioned earlier. Once again, I find myself waiting. Waiting for something my heart is longing for. Waiting for something I have felt passionate about my whole life. Waiting on God’s timing. Even with everything I’ve been through in the last week, even with all the tears I’ve shed and the sadness I am feeling daily, I will still serve and worship our mighty God…even while I’m waiting.

I love this video that goes with the song “While I’m Waiting”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWI-iZsIKIk&feature=related

Video I found on “What Makes a Mother”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-p3e8_XKoRo

Waiting

Have you ever found yourself waiting for something in life? Maybe you've prayed about something earnestly, but for whatever reason, it just hasn't happened yet? Maybe it never will for some reason or maybe God just wants us to wait.

This past weekend I saw the movie, "Fireproof". It was an incredible movie that really inspired me to continue loving Kody with the love that Christ has shown me. However, there was also some incredible music in the movie that really touched my heart. One song, in particular, called "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller. It reminded me that there are times in life when we must simply wait on God. As much as I may want something to happen in my timing, sometimes God wants us to wait. It's during those times that I pray that I can respond with the words of this song. I may not understand God's timing, why I have to wait, or why something I want may never happen at all, but I trust that God is in control. He knows what's best for me and will meet my every need.

While I'm Waiting
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Check out this youtube video with the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KD8Z-m4jaYw&feature=related

The Dash

The following poem was read at my grandfather's memorial service back at the beginning of August. I have been really touched by the words of this poem and just wanted to share it with you. You can also watch an incredible video that goes with this poem at the following website: http://www.thedashmovie.com/linda/ . It is my prayer that each and every one of you reading this realizes how important each and every day is and that you live each day for God. That's what matters most!

The Dash
copyright 1996 Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
from the beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
and spoke of the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth...
and now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;
the cars....the house...the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard...
are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what's true and real,
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
and more often wear a smile...
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
with your life's actions to rehash...
would you be proud of the things they
say about how you spend your dash?

Our Summer

Well, I thought I'd post something to update our blog since it has been all summer. We have had a busy, busy summer. At the beginning of June I helped move Kody to our apartment in San Antonio. I had to quickly return to Athens to finish school and pack up the house. Two weeks later I drove up to Oklahoma City to meet Kody and the youth group at Oklahoma Christian University for two weeks of camp. It was great to see my family during this time too. Then we drove from camp back to Athens to meet the moving company and move our things to San Antonio. While we were there we decided to stop by the church there on Friday night cause the kids were having a lock in. Kody decided to play a quick game of basketball and not even 2 minutes into the game he sprained his ankle leaving him on crutches for the next week. I teased him saying he just wanted to get out of helping move. Luckily we had a moving company do most of it.

At the end of June we finally moved all our stuff to San Antonio and then a week later turned around and went back to Oklahoma City for another week of camp. When we returned we had a Day Camp with the kids of our congregation and then work camp. At the end of work camp I got the disturbing phone call while at the water park that my grandpa in California unexpectedly passed away from a heart attack. It was a tough week, but I was able to spend that next week in California with my family.

As of this week, school has officially started. I am working as an instructional assistant at a school here this year. It's a nice break from being a classroom teacher. I'm enjoying my evenings and weekends off!! Kody and I are settling in more. We have made some good friends already and enjoy hanging out with everyone here. They have been so welcoming to us!

Hope all of you have had a wonderful summer!